Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sign 'o the apocalypse: Crank 2

"I think someone is shooting a decent movie over there!"
I wasted one hour and thirty six minutes last night. Well maybe just one hour and thirty three minutes because there were titties and a mullet.
I waste time constantly so it isn't the time suck that irks me, it's the fact that for some reason I watched Crank 2 in its entirety. What does this say about me? Don't get me wrong, I don't demand deep meanings in my movies, I love a good one dimensional comedy or action film. I'm a fan of bad movies, not just bad movies that weren't meant to be bad but bad movies that are made with a full realizaion that they are painfully rediculous. I don't even mind suspending disbelief when I'm movie watching; Zombie, Sci Fi and horror flicks are some of my favorites. It's hard to put my finger on any one or three things that really put me off this movie but nevertheless...
I wonder how a movie like this gets made, what's the pitch to the studio like? How do you get fairly well known actors to appear in something like this? It seems like i'm always hearing about awesome sounding scripts that can't get made but something like this can and gets a big marketing push behind it? All right, I'll stop shaking my fist at those rowdy kids on my front lawn.
The above paragraphs have pretty much revealed my feelings on Crank 2 and in the interest of full disclosure I like Jason Statham and Amy Smart(notice I didn't mention Ling Bai) and feel like they did a good job acting the movie. I think the real problem is that this movie requires the viewer to be a little drunk or stoned and to have consumed at least a case of red bull to really appreciate the subtlties of the film. I'll just rundown the highlights and leave it at that.
  • Surviving a 60 story fall from a helicopter (Umm Ok)
  • Being awake during a heart transplant (sure)
  • Shotgun up a fat guy's ass (Well he did lube it with crude oil but could you really get it that far in?)
  • Constantly having to electricute yourself (alright but no burn marks until the very end?)
  • Ron Jeremy (always a welcome addition to any film)
  • Cutting off an elbow and later two man nipples (thanks for doing that so graphicly)
  • A giant horse penis during a rediculous sex scene (Ok so he needed friction to stay alive but does the horse penis have to make an appearence and the look on Amy Smart's face when she sees it will haunt my dreams.)
  • Dwight Yoakam saying "Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch? (Remember when I said the entire time wasn't wasted?)
  • Titties (Sadly this movie proves that no amount of titties can save a bad movie.)
  • Corey Haim with a magnificant mullet (the true highlight of the film)
  • A living, speaking bodyless head (Sure, why not)


Julia said...

Oh, I love your posts! :) Haha, I am sorry you wasted the time. When I saw the preview I thought "that movie looks ridiculous!" and I am very easily amused! Thanks for the heads up...now I FOR SURE will not watch it! lol

Luke and Kayla said...

The bulleted list actually makes me want to see this movie. But the actual trailer deters me. I don't think I could be high enough to enjoy either Crank films. Guess, you can't blame Statham for trying to cash in on the whole martial arts action movie fame.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing